PHP Bullshit Meter
Have you ever sat in a boardroom, meeting, or had to wade through pages of specs only to find that a very small percentage of the information is actually useful, and the rest is utter bullshit. This simple function provides a method to measure exactly how much BS is contained in a string. The process is quite simple in that the length of the string is measured, and a percentage calculated from the total length of the BS in the bs array. Feel free to add you own bs words to the array.
<?php
/**
*
* Function to measure bs in a string
*
* @param string $string
* @return float
*
*/
function bullshitMeter( $string )
{
/*** example bs ***/
$bs = array (
'synergy',
'strategic fit',
'gap analysis',
'revisit',
'bandwidth',
'best practice',
'bottom line',
'hardball',
'out of the loop',
'benchmark',
'value added',
'proactive',
'win-win',
'think outside the box',
'fast track',
'result driven',
'empower',
'knowledge base',
'total quality',
'quality driven',
'touch base',
'mindset',
'client focus',
'ball park',
'game plan',
'independent it consultant',
'automatrix',
'leverage'
);
/*** make the string lower case for comparison ***/
$string = strtolower( $string );
/*** check the length of the string ***/
$text_count = strlen( $string );
/*** set bs count to zero ***/
$bs_count = 0;
foreach( $bs as $text )
{
if( $pos = strpos($string, $text ) )
{
/*** get the number of occurances ***/
$occurances = substr_count($string, $text);
/*** get the lenth of the bs ***/
$bs_count += strlen( $text ) * $occurances;
}
}
/*** do the percentage ***/
$percent = (int) $bs_count/ (int)$text_count * 100;
/*** round to two places ***/
return round( $percent, 2 );
}
?>
Example usage
<?php
/*** a string heavy in bs ***/
$string = 'I bring your attention today to new benchmarks in quality driven development within the marketting sector. By adopting a proactive attitude to client relationships, we can develop a mindset with client focus as its central theme, while providing value added service guarentees that leverage new markets for us.';
$bs = bullshitMeter( $string );
echo "This string is $bs percent bullshit";
?>
Demonstration
This string is 22.58 percent bullshit